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Madame [[Meck]] continues to act in the role of a watchful and attentive agent of providence for me. Shortly after [[Modya]], after he had calmed me down, went for a walk with [[Nikolay Konradi|Kolya]], the postman appeared with a letter (lettre chargée) from [[Nadezhda Filaretovna]]. I opened it. First of all, she tells me that she is glad that I withdrew from the delegation, whereas I was afraid that she would be angry. Then, as usual, she writes a thousand endearments, and finally sends me a credit note for 1500 francs, in addition to the subscription, for the publication of the symphony. I need to tell you that I am currently in a far from brilliant financial position. My money ran out ages ago, leaving only [[Modest]]'s money. This 1500 is most opportune. What sort of unfathomable woman is this? She somehow guesses when and how to write in order to console me. On his return, [[Modest]] was beside himself with amazement and the delicate sophistication of her sweet letter. At the same time, she sent cards of the whole family.  
Madame [[Meck]] continues to act in the role of a watchful and attentive agent of providence for me. Shortly after [[Modya]], after he had calmed me down, went for a walk with [[Nikolay Konradi|Kolya]], the postman appeared with a letter (lettre chargée) from [[Nadezhda Filaretovna]]. I opened it. First of all, she tells me that she is glad that I withdrew from the delegation, whereas I was afraid that she would be angry. Then, as usual, she writes a thousand endearments, and finally sends me a credit note for 1500 francs, in addition to the subscription, for the publication of the symphony. I need to tell you that I am currently in a far from brilliant financial position. My money ran out ages ago, leaving only [[Modest]]'s money. This 1500 is most opportune. What sort of unfathomable woman is this? She somehow guesses when and how to write in order to console me. On his return, [[Modest]] was beside himself with amazement and the delicate sophistication of her sweet letter. At the same time, she sent cards of the whole family.  


[[Alyosha]] spent the whole evening applying his lotion. I find it objectionable and offensive to go near him. But [[Modest]] is unfathomably kind. Although he's angry with [[Alyosha]] for his strange behaviour towards me, at the same time he feels sorry for him, and looks after him, making sure he applies his lotion, and all sorts of things.  
[[Alyosha]] spent the whole evening applying his lotion. I find it horrible and offensive to go near him. But [[Modest]] is unfathomably kind. Although he's angry with [[Alyosha]] for his strange behaviour towards me, at the same time he feels sorry for him, and looks after him, making sure he applies his lotion, and all sorts of things.  


I received a letter from [[Kotek]] which made me angry. He tells me about Madame [[Meck]]'s cold response to his letter, and comes to the conclusion that she is angry with him for having syphilis. Then he starts to muse about who could have gossiped to her, and what conclusion does he come to? That the gossip is none other than me!!! I was very annoyed by this. Nevertheless, I answered him at once and concealed my anger, because I felt sorry for him. He asked Madame [[Meck]] to transfer the money she sent to his sisters to him, because they no longer need it. [[Nadezhda Filaretovna]] replied to him with a short note to say that she is sending the money to his father, and that he, i.e. the father, can dispose of it however he wishes. This letter must really have upset poor [[Kotik]], but this didn't prevent him from making very wild assumptions. To top it all, he askes me to tell [[Nadezhda Filaretovna]] that he didn't catch syphilis from a ''girl'', but from a ''singer''!!!! You know what went though my mind. I'm setting a bad example for [[Kotek]], living at someone else's expense. And he expressed this very naively in one of his last letters: "''If you reproach me for turning to Madame [[Meck]], then I say: the same to you!!!''". I didn't appreciate this remark, nor the following one: "So, I shall remain in [[Berlin]] and will live on two hundred and fifty francs, which I will be receiving from the very person who gives you one thousand five hundred francs". This remark sounds strange somehow, like some sort of reproach. It's as if he wanted to hurt me. Generally, I don't know whether his deciding to stay abroad is a good thing. I'll have to write and discuss it in detail. It's so hard for ''me'' to give him advice now. He asks me if he ought to stay in [[Berlin]] to study with Joachim. Even if I concluded that he shouldn't, could I say so? After all, when I tell him this, he'll say that I regret giving him the money.  
I received a letter from [[Kotek]] which made me angry. He tells me about Madame [[Meck]]'s cold response to his letter, and comes to the conclusion that she is angry with him for having syphilis. Then he starts to muse about who could have gossiped to her, and what conclusion does he come to? That the gossip is none other than me!!! I was very annoyed by this. Nevertheless, I answered him at once and concealed my anger, because I felt sorry for him. He asked Madame [[Meck]] to transfer the money she sent to his sisters to him, because they no longer need it. [[Nadezhda Filaretovna]] replied to him with a short note to say that she is sending the money to his father, and that he, i.e. the father, can dispose of it however he wishes. This letter must really have upset poor [[Kotik]], but this didn't prevent him from making very wild assumptions. To top it all, he askes me to tell [[Nadezhda Filaretovna]] that he didn't catch syphilis from a ''girl'', but from a ''singer''!!!! You know what went though my mind. I'm setting a bad example for [[Kotek]], living at someone else's expense. And he expressed this very naively in one of his last letters: "''If you reproach me for turning to Madame [[Meck]], then I say: the same to you!!!''". I didn't appreciate this remark, nor the following one: "So, I shall remain in [[Berlin]] and will live on two hundred and fifty francs, which I will be receiving from the very person who gives you one thousand five hundred francs". This remark sounds strange somehow, like some sort of reproach. It's as if he wanted to hurt me. Generally, I don't know whether his deciding to stay abroad is a good thing. I'll have to write and discuss it in detail. It's so hard for ''me'' to give him advice now. He asks me if he ought to stay in [[Berlin]] to study with Joachim. Even if I concluded that he shouldn't, could I say so? After all, when I tell him this, he'll say that I regret giving him the money.  

Revision as of 17:35, 24 January 2024

Date 8/20 January–11/23 January 1878
Addressed to Anatoly Tchaikovsky
Where written San Remo
Language Russian
Autograph Location Klin (Russia): Tchaikovsky State Memorial Musical Museum-Reserve (a3, No. 1139)
Publication П. И. Чайковский. Письма к родным (1940), p. 350–353 (abridged)
П. И. Чайковский. Полное собрание сочинений, том VII (1962), p. 31–32 (abridged)
Неизвестный Чайковский (2009), p. 233–236

Text and Translation

Russian text
(original)
English translation
By Brett Langston
Воскресенье 20/8 янв[аря] 1878
12 час[ов] ночи.

Сейчас только пришли с Модестом из театра. Давали «Фауста». Модест очень смеялся. После завтрака ездили за 10 вёрст в Бордигеру. Получил твоё письмо. Буду отвечать тебе завтра. Нового ничего нет. Отчего ты ничего не пишешь о себе?


Понедельник 21/9 янв[аря] 1878.

Один из противнейших дней моей жизни. Алёша, возвратясь от доктора, сказал, что решительно ничего нет, что однако ж ему велено делать 4 втирания в день и брать ванны ежедневно. Я уже с утра был не в духе и расстроен. Это известие привело меня в совершенное расстройство. Нужно тебе сказать, что Алёша все это время держал себя ужасно странно. Известие о сифилисе нисколько не испугало. Ему вовсе не было совестно; он ни единым жестом, ни единым словом не выразил, что ему жалко и совестно передо мной. Только моё намерение отправить его в Россию испугало его, и он плaкал, когда я объявил ему это решение. Но после отмены решения он сделался весел, как ни в чем не бывало, как-то особенно, несносно фамильярен так, что даже Модест сердился, и наконец совершенно перестал оказывать мне какие бы то ни было услуги. Словом, я был изумлён, оскорблён и огорчён всем этим до крайности. Кроме того, с тех пор, как ужасная правда открьилась, я решительно не могу его видеть рядом с Колей, а Коля как будто нарочно так и лезет к нему. Наконец, я испытывал какое-то болезненно жуткое ощущение, смотря на Алёшу. Неужели этот милый, добропорядочный мальчик, неужели этот ребёнок наивный, чистый девственный, — теперь носит с собой член, изъеденный шанкерами? Мне горько было также, что он обманул меня, не дал мне знать об этом из Москвы, в каковом случае я бы, конечно, не взял его сюда. К чему он приехал? Не для того ли я его выписал, чтоб он покоил и лелеял меня, — а он вместо этого принёс с собой заразу, да ещё так упорно скрывал ее! Обидно было ужасно! Ну, словом, я сделал сцену и так расстроился, что даже не ходил завтракать, а вместо того проревел в своей комнате. Спасибо Моде, — он мне все устроил. Модя побежал к доктору, обстоятельно переговорил с ним и по моей убедительной просьбе объяснил доктору, что нужно Алёшу пристроить куда-нибудь отдельно от нас. Доктор обещал поместить его в какую-то maison de santé. Возвратившись, Модя успокоил меня. Сцена, разыгранная мной утром, подействовала на Алёшу. Он стал держать себя лучше. Боже мой, если бы он хоть одним словом выразил мне своё соболезнование, своё раскаянье, сознание, что он сделал подлость, приехавши с такой болезнью. Ничего. А стоило бы ему только какое-нибудь одно словечко сказать, чтоб я растаял. Мне бы стало жаль его, и жалость заглушила бы все остальное. Я не понимаю, что с ним делается. С этим сифилисом, — он стал новым человеком для меня. Я не узнаю его, это другой Алёша.

M[ada]me Мекк продолжает разыгрывать относительно меня роль бодрствующего и пекущегося обо мне провидения. Вскоре после того, как Модя, успокоивши меня, ушёл гулять с Колей, является почтальон с письмом (lettre chargée) от Н[адежды] Ф[иларетовны]. Раскрываю. Прежде всего она говорит мне, что радуется моему отказу от делегатства, тогда как я боялся, что она рассердится. Потом пишет по обыкновению тысячу нежностей и наконец посылает мне вексель в 1500 фр[анков] сверх абонемента, на издание симфонии. Нужно тебе сказать, что я теперь далеко не в блестящем денежном положении. Мои деньги уж давно разошлись, и остались только деньги Модеста. Эти 1500 весьма кстати. Что это за непостижимая женщина? Она угадывает, когда и как мне написать, чтоб утешить меня. Модест по возвращении не мог прийти в себя от изумления и деликатной утончённости её милого письма. Вместе с тем она прислала карточки всего семейства.

Целый вечер Алёша делал втиранья. Мне противно, обидно входить к нему. Но Модест непостижимо добр. Он и сердится на Алёшу за его странное поведение относительно меня, но вместе и жалеет его, следит за его втираниями, примочками и всякими штуками.

Получил письмо от Котека, которое рассердило меня. Он сообщает мне о холодном ответе M[ada]me Мекк на его письмо и приходит к заключению, что она сердится на него за сифилис. Затем он начинает соображать, кто мог ей насплетничать, и приходит к какому выводу? Насплетничал не кто иной, как я!!! Меня это очень раздосадовало. Тем не менее я тотчас же отвечал ему и скрыл, что злюсь, ибо жалко его. Он просил M[ada]me Мекк перевести на него деньги, посылаемые сёстрам, ибо им больше не нужно. Надежда Филаретовна в коротенькой записке отвечает ему, что деньги она посылает его отцу и что он, т. е. отец, может ими распоряжаться, как хочет. Письмо действительно должно было огорчить бедного Котика, но это не мешает его предположению быть очень диким. В довершение всего он просит меня сообщить Н[адежде] Ф[иларетовне], что сифилис он получил не от девки, а от певицы!!!! Знаешь, что мне приходит в голову. Живя на чужой счёт, я подаю дурной пример Котику. И он это очень наивно выразил в одном из своих последних писем: «Если ты меня будешь упрекать за то, что я обратился к M[ada]me Мекк, то я тебе скажу: а ты-то сам!!!». Эта фраза мне весьма не понравилась, так же как и следующая: «Итак, я остаюсь в Берлине и буду жить на двести пятьдесят франков, которые буду получать от той самой особы, которая тебе даёт тысячу пятьсот франков». Эта фраза звучит как-то странно, каким-то упрёком! Дескать, уж много больно тебе! Вообще я не знаю, хорошо ли делает он, решившись остаться за границей. Придётся его выписать и поговорить обстоятельно. Так трудно теперь мне давать ему советы. Он спрашивает меня, следует ли ему оставаться в Берлине, чтобы учиться у Иоахима. Если бы я даже находил, что не следует, — могу лил высказать это? Ведь он скажет, что я говорю это, жалея давать ему денег.


Вторник. 22/10.

Утром писал ответ Н[адежде] Ф[иларетовне]. После завтрака ходили к доктору — очень симпатичный человек. Алёша переезжает завтра в maison de santé. Он будет иметь комнату и полное содержание за шесть франков в день. Ванны ему будут делать ежедневно. Получил твоё письмо, очень хорошо и приятно на меня подействовавшее, хотя меня весьма огорчает, что ты хандришь. Отчего это? Влюбись, Толичка! Пока молод, пользуйся правом предаваться этому величайшему наслаждению, но влюбись умеренно, без драм, без сцен и треволнений! Женись наконец на Карцевой! Впрочем, нет, — всё-таки даже и тебе не советую жениться. Завтра напишу тебе об Ант[онине] Ив[ановне] и денежных делах. О, если б состоялся твой план насчёт ПанаевойТатьяны? Алеща ведёт себя сегодня Лучше. Понимание начинает просыпаться в нем. Как нам будет трудно без него, а главное, уж теперь от Коли — ни на шаг!

Иду спать. Устал.


Среда. 23/11 [января] 1878

Грустно, Толя. Часа два тому назад за Алёшей пришёл монах, взял его вещи и повёл его. Мы пошли провожать. Пришлось взбираться высоко в горы. Дом чистенький, пахнет госпиталем, комнатка маленькая, уютная! Когда мы взобрались, к нам тотчас же пришёл патер-приор, обещавший самый лучший уход за больным. К счастью, в этом же maison de santé живёт один русин из Галиции, обещавший служить Алёше переводчиком: он кое-что говорит по-русски. Грустно было оставлять Алёшу. Я сегодня уже перестал сердиться на него. Утром он будет ходить к нам, обедать будет дома в двенадцать часов, потом опять гулять, в половине седьмого ужин, потом четыре втиранья каждый вечер. Когда-то он поправится?

Я написал Юргенсону, чтобы он выдавал А[нтонине] И[вановне] жалованье, по сто рублей каждое 1-ое число до 1-го апреля, а оставшиеся за Консерваторией 300 р[ублей] моих получил бы в своё время. Об остальных моих предложениях ты узнал из проекта письма к Aнт[онине] Ив[ановне].

Пиши мне побольше о себе, за кем ухаживаешь, как Папочка и Лиз[авета] Миx[айловна]?

Целую тебя, голубчик мои.

П. Чайковский

Толя! Прочти прилагаемое письмо к Антонине Ивановне. Пошли его, или если оно глупо, то напиши от себя в этом духе. Словом, я не отступлю ни на шаг от моих условии: 1) две тысячи пятьсот рублей и вексель, 2) сто рублей в месяц условно, без письменного обеспечения и 3) рояль остаётся за мной. Целую.

Sunday 20/8 January 1878
12 o'clock at night.

I've just come from the theatre with Modest. They were giving "Faust". Modest was very amused. After lunch we rode 10 miles to Bordighera. I received your letter. I'll answer you tomorrow. There's not much news. Why don't you write anything about yourself.


Monday 21/9 January.

This has been one of the most horrible days of my life. Aloyosha, returning from the doctor, said absolutely nothing except that he'd been instructed to rub in lotion 4 times a day and to take daily baths. I was already in a bad mood and upset that morning. This news left me utterly distraught. I need to tell you that Alyosha had been behaving awfully strangely this whole time. News of the syphilis didn't frighten him in the least. He wasn't at all ashamed; he didn't express to me with a single gesture or a single word that he was sorry or ashamed. It was only my intention to send him to Russia that caused him alarm, and he cried when I told him of this decision. But after that decision was reversed he became cheerful, as if nothing had happened, and somehow so particularly and intolerably familiar that even Modest became angry, and ultimately he completely ceased to provide any services for me. In short, I was astounded, offended and upset by all this to the extreme. Besides this, ever since the awful truth was revealed, I absolutely cannot bear to see him near Kolya, and it's as if Kolya was deliberately trying to be all over him. Ultimately, I experienced a sort of painfully alarming feeling just looking at Alyosha. Can this respectable boy, this naïve pure virginal child, really now be the bearer of a member being consumed by cankers? I was also bitter that he deceived me, and he didn't let me know about this from Moscow, in which case, of course, I wouldn't have brought him here. What did he come here for? Didn't I write to him to come here so he could rest and look after me — but instead he brought an infection with him, and so stubbornly concealed it! This was outrageous! Well, in short, I made a scene and was so upset that I didn't even go to lunch, but instead I bawled in my room. Thank goodness for Modya — he saw to everything for me. Modya ran to the doctor, talked with him in detail, and at my pleading, explained to the doctor that Alyosha needed to be placed somewhere separate from us. The doctor promised to find a place for him in some maison de santé. On returning, Modya calmed me down. The scene I played out in the morning had some effect on Alyosha. He started behaving himself better. My God, if only he had expressed to me in just a word his condolences, his repentance, the recognition that he had done a dirty trick by coming here with such an illness. There was nothing. He would just have had to say one word for me to melt. I would have felt for him, and that sorrow would blot out everything else. I don't understand what's happening with him. With this syphilis he's become a new person for me. I don't recognise him, this is another Alyosha.

Madame Meck continues to act in the role of a watchful and attentive agent of providence for me. Shortly after Modya, after he had calmed me down, went for a walk with Kolya, the postman appeared with a letter (lettre chargée) from Nadezhda Filaretovna. I opened it. First of all, she tells me that she is glad that I withdrew from the delegation, whereas I was afraid that she would be angry. Then, as usual, she writes a thousand endearments, and finally sends me a credit note for 1500 francs, in addition to the subscription, for the publication of the symphony. I need to tell you that I am currently in a far from brilliant financial position. My money ran out ages ago, leaving only Modest's money. This 1500 is most opportune. What sort of unfathomable woman is this? She somehow guesses when and how to write in order to console me. On his return, Modest was beside himself with amazement and the delicate sophistication of her sweet letter. At the same time, she sent cards of the whole family.

Alyosha spent the whole evening applying his lotion. I find it horrible and offensive to go near him. But Modest is unfathomably kind. Although he's angry with Alyosha for his strange behaviour towards me, at the same time he feels sorry for him, and looks after him, making sure he applies his lotion, and all sorts of things.

I received a letter from Kotek which made me angry. He tells me about Madame Meck's cold response to his letter, and comes to the conclusion that she is angry with him for having syphilis. Then he starts to muse about who could have gossiped to her, and what conclusion does he come to? That the gossip is none other than me!!! I was very annoyed by this. Nevertheless, I answered him at once and concealed my anger, because I felt sorry for him. He asked Madame Meck to transfer the money she sent to his sisters to him, because they no longer need it. Nadezhda Filaretovna replied to him with a short note to say that she is sending the money to his father, and that he, i.e. the father, can dispose of it however he wishes. This letter must really have upset poor Kotik, but this didn't prevent him from making very wild assumptions. To top it all, he askes me to tell Nadezhda Filaretovna that he didn't catch syphilis from a girl, but from a singer!!!! You know what went though my mind. I'm setting a bad example for Kotek, living at someone else's expense. And he expressed this very naively in one of his last letters: "If you reproach me for turning to Madame Meck, then I say: the same to you!!!". I didn't appreciate this remark, nor the following one: "So, I shall remain in Berlin and will live on two hundred and fifty francs, which I will be receiving from the very person who gives you one thousand five hundred francs". This remark sounds strange somehow, like some sort of reproach. It's as if he wanted to hurt me. Generally, I don't know whether his deciding to stay abroad is a good thing. I'll have to write and discuss it in detail. It's so hard for me to give him advice now. He asks me if he ought to stay in Berlin to study with Joachim. Even if I concluded that he shouldn't, could I say so? After all, when I tell him this, he'll say that I regret giving him the money.


Tuesday. 22/10.

In the morning I wrote a reply to Nadezhda Filaretovna. After lunch we went to the doctor — a very sympathetic fellow. Alyosha is being moved to a maison de santé. He'll have a room and full board for six francs per day. He'll be given baths every day. I received your letter, which had a very good and pleasant effect on me, although I'm very upset that you're moping. Why is that? You've fallen in love, Tolichka! Take advantage of your right to indulge in this greatest of pleasures while you're young, but find love only in moderation, without drama, scenes or agitation. Ultimately you will marry Kartsova. But, no — I won't even advise you to marry. Tomorrow I'll write to you about Antonina Ivanovna and financial matters. Oh, if only your plan regarding Panayeva as Tatyana had come true! Alyosha is behaving better today. I think it's starting to dawn on him. How hard it will be for us without him, but more importantly, he's no longer just one step away from Kolya!

I'm tied and going to bed.


Wednesday. 23/11 January 1878

It's so sad, Tolya. A couple of hours ago, a monk came for Alyosha, took his things and led him away. We went to see him off. We had to climb high into the mountains. The house is clean, it smells like a hospital, and the room is small and comfortable. When we clambered up, the prior abbott immediately came over to us, promising the best care for the patient. Fortunately, a Rusyn from Galicia lives in the same maison de santé; he speaks some Russian, and promised to serve as Alyosha's translator. Leaving Alyosha was sad. I've stopped being angry with him today. He'll come over to us in the morning, have lunch at twelve o'clock, then go for a walk again, have dinner at half-past six, then have four applications every evening. Will he ever be well again?

I wrote to Jurgenson so that he'd give Antonina Ivanovna an allowance of one hundred rubles on the 1st of every month until 1st April, and she'll receive my remaining 300 rubles from the Conservatory in due time. You'll know about the rest of my proposals from the draft letter to Antonina Ivanovna.

Write to me a little more about yourself, who are you courting, how are Papochka and Lizaveta Mikhaylovna?

I kiss you, my golubchik.

P. Tchaikovsky

Tolya! Read the enclosed letter to Antonina Ivanovna Either send it or, if it's foolhardy, then write your own in the same vein. In short, I won't deviate a single step from my terms: 1) two thousand five hundred rubles and a credit note, 2) one hundred rubles a month conditionally, without written security, and 3) the grand piano remains with me. I kiss you.